I went on a silent retreat (lost my AirPods)

And allowed myself to have a single thought.

Embedded is your essential guide to what’s good on the internet, written by Kate Lindsay and edited by Nick Catucci.

As of today, I have officially ordered a pair of AirPods Pro on Back Market. —Kate

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My AirPods are currently lost somewhere in the British postal system. After leaving them in a hotel room during vacation and unsuccessfully attempting to get them mailed back, I’ve spent the last two weeks of my life in total silence. My initial plan was to immediately pick up a new pair at the Apple store as soon as I touched back down on U.S. soil, but then I thought about a recent conversation with my therapist.

There are a number of memes across Twitter and TikTok about our generation’s tendency to have something streaming or playing on our phones, laptop, and/or TV at all times in order to prevent our brains from producing a single independent thought. As early as 11 years old, I would pop a VHS—and I’m sorry to say that VHS was almost always Shrek—into the TV-VCR in my bedroom, and let it play at a low volume no matter what I was doing.

Technology progressed, but this habit did not change. I’d fall asleep to the 2005 Pride & Prejudice every single night, and wake up to the DVD menu on loop. Up until recently, I could not shower, cook, or walk anywhere without a podcast or audiobook playing. 

What thoughts were you keeping at bay by listening to something all the time? my therapist asked. Then she did her favorite thing, which was to suggest that I instead sit in my discomfort. I ignored this … until I had no choice not to (and, frankly, realized I could turn it into content). 

So I decided, at least until today’s post, to give the no-AirPod life a try. 

The first challenge came last Friday morning, when I was getting ready for a run and realized I could not listen to the newest Big Bootie Mix by Two Friends (a medley of song edits, because my attention span has literally worsened to the point that I cannot make it through a full track). Normally, I would scrap the run entirely, but instead I decided to keep it short and power through.

I’d say my compulsory AirPod use started on runs and walks, because they conveniently block catcalls and weird comments from passersby. Especially in the summer, I’d rather avoid hearing the things men like to say when they know you’ll only process it once you’re halfway down the block. On this run, luckily, all I had to deal with was one condescending fist bump. 

The next challenge was waiting in line at the post office, where I suppose I deserved what was coming, since I was there to mail a belated Father’s Day gift. The wait, as always, was glacially slow, with more than half of the service windows unstaffed. Without AirPods, all I could do to pass the time was watch the police procedural blasting out of a TV on the wall. This was somehow worse than silence. 

I felt the absence of my AirPods most acutely while running errands and commuting around the city. I wish I had a list of inspiring things I thought about instead, but it was literally just emails I wanted to send, articles I wanted to write, and the usual imagined scenarios that never, ever play out the way my mind prepares for them to. 

But I did notice other changes. The lack of AirPods only prevented me from listening to things in public (theoretically—over the past year I’ve noticed more and more people have no problem just s c r o l l i n g TikTok on the subway at full volume). But as the days progressed, I found myself drifting away from my usual habits of auditory overstimulation, even at home. I was halfway through unloading my dishwasher when I realized I hadn’t turned on a podcast to do so, and for the past few days I’ve showered in total silence without thinking about it. Even now, I am writing this in silence, without music or my favorite “White Noise 10 Hours” playing.

I’d say I’m a changed woman, but my brain found ways to compensate for the lack of auditory stimulation: increased visual stimulation. Without something to listen to in these idle moments, I find myself turning to my phone more than ever before. My screentime was up 41% last week, with Instagram, TikTok, and Safari being some of the most-used apps. When you’re spending hours on Safari every week, that’s how you know you’re down bad. 

“Is anyone else really anxious and willing to do anything to avoid rumination,” John Green asks in recent a TikTok. “Like TikTok is so good at that, at least in the short run, it’s hard to ruminate when every five to seven seconds there’s something new to think about… it’s just that over time even though it works in the short run it might make things worse in the long run.”

@literallyjohngreenGoing through it a bit.

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Scrolling and digital background noise are such huge parts of my life because of the distance they help create between myself and my ruminations, and I’ve been relying on them for so long that half of my aversion to spending time with my thoughts is probably due to the fact that I didn’t even remember what they sound like. Turns out, they’re boring! But I will say I’ve experienced almost no acute anxiety these past two weeks, and part of me wonders if it’s because I’ve been forced to confront any anxiety-inducing thoughts head-on before they take hold and fester in the background of my subconscious.

Going cold turkey on anything is never sustainable, and so ultimately I am going to get new headphones—although I can’t decide between AirPods Pro or AirPods Max (something about the size of the latter makes me wonder if I’ll take them out less and, crucially, not forget them in Scotland hotel rooms). My hope, though, is that this experiment will allow me to have a more reasonable relationship with them going forward—and maybe, one of these days on the subway, just pick up a godforsaken book.